This is my first real and vulnerable post on anything having to do with motherhood (a topic I never thought I would touch). But please see my motherhood disclaimer post if there's anything here that's offensive, just know I care and I'm trying.
5 SCENES
SCENE 1
While sitting in my Mom's living room, discussing what Brandon and I are going to do about childcare after having split it evenly (as evenly as possible) for the past 7 months:
ME: If I didn't have kids I would probably work 80-100 hours a week because I love it so much and feel such a drive. Right now I'm working around 25-35 depending on the week but I would love to work more like, 50? We'll just figure it out once we're back in Australia, Brandon starts a 9-5 again, and Sloane is in school...
MOM: But what about your little girls? You know, they're only little once.
SCENE 2
On a rare morning hike with a friend alone:
FRIEND: I feel guilty when I leave my kids.
SCENE 3
On a video chat with a client, who currently has children:
CLIENT: I want to be an artist and a mother.
SCENE 4
Scrolling on Instagram:
GRAPHIC "I hope my kids will remember that mommy tried. Even when she was tired or stressed. I hope they know I did it all for them"
SCENE 5
On another video chat with a client, trying to figure out her ideal work/life balance:
CLIENT: So I need to have summers and holidays off because the kids get out of school, and Wednesdays because my youngest gets out early....
ME: So when are you going to work?
Checking in
So how are you feeling after all these scenes? Read on to see how they continue, why I'm tired of these conversations, why it's happening, and what we can do about it.
SCENE 1
MOM: But what about your little girls? You know, they're only little once.
(CONT'D)
ME: See this is what I think is the problem. If a father said "I'm really wanting to work more" or "I'm so passionate about what I do and want to put a lot of time into it." They're not told "but what about your little ones?" It's celebrated for them. It's encouraged, "follow your dreams!". For women, at most, it's shamed, in the least, a question they need to answer.
SCENE 2
On a rare morning hike with a friend alone:
FRIEND: I feel guilty when I leave my kids
(CONT'D)
ME: I feel guilty for not feeling guilty.
SCENE 3
On a video chat with a client:
CLIENT: I want to be an artist and a mother.
(CONT'D)
ME: If you have kids, you're a mother. There's nothing you can do to stop being a mother no matter what happens. But if you don't create art, you're not an artist.
SCENE 4
Scrolling on Instagram:
Quote "I hope my kids will remember that mommy tried. Even when she was tired or stressed. I hope they know I did it all for them"
(CONT'D)
ME: Am I doing it all for them? Do I have to do it all for them? Do I hope that my Mom did "it all" for me? Or do I hope that she did "some of it" for herself.
SCENE 5
On another video chat with a client, trying to figure out her ideal work/life balance:
CLIENT: So I need to have summers and holidays off too because the kids get out of school, and Wednesday's because my youngest gets out early....
ME: So when are you going to work?
(CONT'D)
CLIENT: Right, well, my kids have....
ME: Your kids are fine, you're a great mom! It's time to prioritize your work. So, when are you going to work?
CLIENT: [tears]
WHY I'M TIRED OF HAVING THESE CONVERSATIONS
Guys, I'm tired. I'm tired of having conversations with women that I would never, never, ever have with men. I'm tired of all the bad, burdening, boring, deflating, feelings. I'm annoyed with the guilt. I'm frustrated with the obsession we have with being "a good mom" "having it all" "finding balance" "time management" and "self-care". None of it exists and it's all in our heads.
WHY IS IT HAPPENING?
But what's putting this insane burden on us? Here are some of reasons, big and small I could think of:
The Patriarchy - Let's face it. It's the patriarchy that's brought us down and we're still seeing the effects to this day. I don't care if you think you're equal to men, you're not, and your paycheck reflects that - especially if you have children.
Biology - We go through the marvelous burden of not just creating and growing the wonders that come out of our vaginas (or in my and many other cases sliced out of our belly's) but then we feed them from our breasts (or not). It's not just by culture that we're the default parent, it's by nature, at least in the beginning, but then, for a lot of parents it sets the tone for the rest of parenthood.
Religion - I was raised very religious and in that religion, gender roles and women not working weren't just cultural, it was written doctrine (framed and placed on your wall), "fathers... are responsible to provide the necessities of life... Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children". How do I feel about women who are viewed as the primary care givers? Not great. As a teenager, how did that shape the vision of my future career? What career? How have I seen that shape those women that I was raised with? Most of the religious women I was brought up with either don't work, or work part-time. I don't have one friend from my teen/college years that works a traditional full-time job (that I can think of) myself included, but every man from that time frame in my life, does.
Branding History - Working Mothers has a branding problem and I think that has to do with two things 1. the opposite - mothers who don't work and 2. have you ever heard or said the term "working fathers"? I have, only to make the point that we never say it. Back to point #1 - mothers who want to be stay-at-home, if that's their thoughtful, intentional choice and they want to do it, great. The only thing my Mom wanted was to have children and stay home. She was such a good Mother, I was raised with such unconditional love and I respect her so much.
But here's the deal, in 1978 when my mom became a mother she wasn't a mother, she was called a "home-maker". That includes stuff way outside children. It's soooooo different. Today women who choose to stay home full time are "stay-at-home mothers" or SAHM on message boards who have DD's, DH's and photoshop their HPT's to get early results.
I'm not saying that women in the past had it better than women today (obviously there's been research on all of the depression of the 50's). So why do I think these semantics are so important? Because a woman who was a "home-maker" had a project, she had an identity outside another human. Something that she could create, have control over and be creative. Mothers, who are SAHM's, identity is wrapped up in another human, who will ultimately decide what to do with their own life. All their projects, ideas, creations is now away from a physical space (home) and onto a physical human (child).(Ester in this Slate article knows what I'm talking about)
I think this is a massive problem.
And think about if all women became SAHM's then we're just raising women to raise children but really raising women to raise men to do all the other things in life.
So to conclude - we need a brand change for working mothers (i dunno maybe just women who work who have children? however we refer to fathers that work - let's aim for that). We also need a brand change for the SAHM - because it's affecting all of us.
Culture - America shows the way it feels about mothers who work by having the worst maternity benefits of any developed country in the world and little to no government subsidy for childcare. Again, you can thank the patriarchal government for that.
Ourselves - I'm not going to do too much blaming here but really we need to take some responsibility. We need to reassess our language, be careful with our judgements, assumptions of other people and views of ourselves.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Protest - some options.
Change your language - semantics matter. Language is powerful. Let's try to be more thoughtful about how we refer to ourselves and one another.
Accept the fact that you have to have childcare - Why can't I just work when the baby sleeps? One time a friend and I were discussing a mutual friend that was expecting a baby. She was showing her around the nursery and house. They went into the office, she pointed to a bouncer placed next to her desk and said, "And I thought this is where the baby could stay occupied while I worked." We both laughed, not in a patronizing way, but in a way that was like, "Yea, we were there once." It's such a hopeful thought. But I'm telling you: It. Can. Not. Be. Done. Your child has a routine, and then doesn't have one and then changes it in 3 months. And then even when you think there is a routine, decides on the day of your deadline/important phone call/meeting that they're not going to take a nap, or need you desperately and the TV will not distract them (don't get me onto screen-time guilt, I still struggle with it myself).
Wrap your head around the cost of childcare, weigh your options - The best advice I have for any new parent that has been working from home before kids or wants to start working again is, get childcare involved as early and as often as possible. The earlier you can mentally process, budget and save up for childcare costs, the better. Let's do some math:
- A nanny costs $13-17/hr for one child and $15-$18 for two. (I have no idea for 3, I don't know anyone who has had 3 kids under 5 years old and worked). A full time nanny, 5 days a week, 8 hours a day is ~$2200 a month. Australia - I'm looking at $20/hr - so ~$3200/mo.
- An average daycare in America is anywhere around $1000-1700/mo. Australia, in my neighborhood in South Melbourne I've been quoted $135 a day - ~$3100/mo
"But I'm only making X amount a year, I can't afford childcare." I get it, we're in a serious childcare crisis. But the cost of childcare isn't your burden alone, it is a shared cost. "'It is logical for couples to decide that the person who earns less, usually a woman, does more of the household chores and child care,' Ms. Kerr said. 'But it’s also a reason women earn less in the first place. That reinforces the pay gap in the labor market, and we’re trapped in this self-reinforcing cycle,' she said." (Quote from NYT)
And in the long run, taking yourself out of the workforce costs you more money. How much money? There's a calculator for that.
Working for me isn't an option. I have urges. I have desires. I have ideas that the world needs. And I need them out, out, out of me. I can't do that if I'm a SAHM. I can only do that if my partner and I swallow the childcare cost pill, get some great support systems in place, know our children are loved and will be just fine, have ongoing talks about how our marriage can be more egalitarian, so I can do the work that I know I was born to do, or in the least give myself the space to discover it.
You need the space. We need the space.
Tell me tell me tell me - are you tired of the conversation? Are you in the middle of it? Are you navigating it? Do you have it figured out? Any other reasons we deal with this? Any other ways we can fight it?
